Taking A Risk Of Sorts.
By: Craythur
GW2 is nearly here and I'm truly thankful for that. I certainly enjoy the game. Beyond that I'm really looking forward to playing with the Gaiscioch community again.
I've been doing a lot of thinking recently. I'm sure it is the sort of self-reflection that most people go through when their lives are suddenly turned upside down. There is nothing particularly unique about that to be sure. My comfortable wall of denial has been breached forcing me to take a long look at where I am and how I've got here. I'm frankly rather disappointed with who I am. Maybe I can change that. It's far too early to tell.
In late July my wife announced to me that she had met another man and no longer wished to continue our marriage. She won't be coming home from Colorado in Autumn. This came as an enormous shock to me. I knew she was unhappy, but I didn't realize I was a source for her unhappiness. We've been together since 1990. I thought we had a strong relationship. As it turns out she hasn't loved me for much of the last decade. Clearly I've been living in denial. The new man in her life is "a lot like me only happy."
It's certainly true that I've been a gloomy person to be around for several years now. It's been a long, long time since I've made a new friend. My old friendships have all died off due to neglect & distance. I tend to isolate myself so I always come up with excuses not to go outside where I might meet anyone other than a neighbor or reach out to the few people I know. When asked how I'm doing I rarely, if ever, tell the truth. Moving back to Texas has made my isolation far worse. In Silverton I was part of a small mountain town where everyone knew one another. I was a at times a radio DJ, volunteer ambulance driver, and generally in awe of the mountains around me. I was a member of a community. I see now I took all of that for granted.
Now I'm alone here is South Texas. I loathe this place. Prior to my joining the Knitting Club it was common for me to go an entire day without saying anything out loud. Sometimes that's peaceful. Sometimes it's simply lonely. When I do talk to someone it's usually work related. If my job gave me joy like it used to, that wouldn't be so bad perhaps. So it's no small thing that I've been able to meet great folks and speak to them in Vent. If it seems I'm not always carrying my end of a conversation, well I'm a bit out of practice.
I'm currently taking Citalopram. That's a big scary word for Serotonin. It feels like it's having a positive effect on my mood. So that's good. I'm losing weight and increasing my physical activity. That's good. I'm also making at least some effort to reach out to people. Hence this wall of self-centered text. So that's probably good too. So that's it. I've no epiphany to share. I don't know if I really have it in me to become a happier person. I do know that I need to at least try. Being a part of this online community helps.
To all of you who have had a kind word for me in game, or simply been a calm voice during a time of stress: Thank You. I sincerely hope I'll be someone you can enjoy hanging out with on line.
Cheers!
Kray