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I am the great great great..er... great sumthing or other Of the Wizard who started it all! Although his ability to earn someone a coin has mostly diminished, he shall not be forgotten, no. Let me tell you a little about the one who is my heritage. The who started all this mess.The Work of a Wizard is not as easy as commonly thought. You must understand, as I'm sure you do or soon will in the event that you refuse to now, which is not, as it were, a judgment on my part, insomuch as it is a kind of paranoia on yours, which is not to say that you are, I believe, in possession of a suspicious nature, of which you may or may not be, in either case, and needless to say, that is your affair, rather than mine, but I digress from the original point, being, and I mean, at this juncture, “original†in the sense of “original to my thesis,†a disclaimer that I hasten to add in the slight yet problematic possibility that one would mistruefully and woefully assume that I understood the original point of this whole business, this whole affair, this whole empire, you know, since the dawning of man, the threshold of time, the creation of Zork, etc. etc. and so forth and so you see, there are, in actuality, Rigors.
Well, I use the term loosely. There are, of course, the old stand-bys -- the general education, the stuff of freshman year coursework at any accredited Thaumaturgical College. Speaking of which, you must have a care never to employ the Fifmia -- or was it Zifmia? -- spells, unless you are attempting to, or are just ambivalent in the event that you would indeed, halt time, or was it magically summon a being? -- on which occasion you would also want to invoke the whole group of Firgol Fumzo incantations -- or was it Girgol Mumzo? -- which will in any case accomplish either of the above and quite possibly also destroy a mongoose.
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Now that you've mentioned mongoose, or perhaps, mongeese, I am recalling an incident in my early apprenticeship that involves a wizard, a platypus, and too much Accardian cordial. And, I suppose a mongoose, which is why I am recalling it, but I cannot for all Zork remember what that poor creature has to do with the unraveling of my tale, except for that it is at once very witty and also very informative. Which is why I am called Wizard, meaning at its root, "one who is wise," or perhaps "wiz," I forget now, but in either case, that is what I am called.
In the ninth century, when the Dungeon of Zork saw an influx in the number of adventurers seeking rumored treasure amongst the hills, the befuddled Wizard sought to protect his long hidden domain. Though his powers had diminished and he had acquired a bat or two in the belfry over the years, he was still a force to be reckoned with, capable of putting his sorcery to evil use against the mere human intruder. The frivolous aged wizard, began to amuse himself by harassing these passing adventurers. Materializing at odd moments and casting bothersome spells, he would constantly endeavor to confound adventurers with his capricious powers. (Though sometimes he would work in bizarre ways, such as when an adventurer's light source ran out, he would aide them by incanting a fluoresce spell to return light.)
In the year 948, the adventurers who would eventually become the Second Dungeon Master entered the domain of the Wizard. This insidious gent intended to undo this adventurer as he explored the huge and long hidden region of the Great Underground Empire, by randomly throwing all sorts of spells his way, more in an amusing attempt to incessantly discourage and annoy rather than to murder. This adventurer, after bypassing the Wizard's guard lizard by feeding it candy, entered his home. It was here where that adventurer gathered together the three palantirs, placed them on their respective stands (which transformed them into the black sphere), and released the Wizard's demon when he placed the sphere into the center of the pentagram. The Wizard was unable to do anything now that the demon was freed, and after the adventurer had relinquished ten treasures as payment, he ordered the demon to give him the Wizard's wand. The demon obeyed, plucking the wand out of his hand and laid it before the adventurer before fading into smoke. The Wizard, without the source of his powers, ran from the room in terror.Â
In the years to follow, the Wizard ran an ad in the New Zork Times, seeking an authentic working enchanter's wand as a replacement for the one that had been stolen by the upstart adventurer. Some soul must have heeded his request, as by 957 GUE the Wizard was again molesting adventurers that dared to infiltrate his domain. Shortly before the end of the First Age of Magic (966 GUE), the Wizard was no longer occupying this region. Thus, it remains a mystery as to how the life of this confused and befuddled soul who had confounded other adventurers for years met his end.
It is also of interest, that a portrait of the Wizard, in a typical pose of anguished bewilderment, was found in Largoneth Castle in 956 GUE, undoubtedly painted before his exile.
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THE HOMESTEAD
The underground house of the Wizard lay at the southwestern corner of the second level of the Dungeon of Zork. Entry to the home was protected by a guard lizard. The first room to enter was the workshop, which connected to the trophy room and the workroom. There was the pentagram room, the aquarium room (holding a massive baby sea serpent), and in the southwest sector was the wizard's personal quarters.
TROPHY ROOM
The Wizard's trophy room was filled with memorabilia of various sorts which were the fruits of diligent labor and study over many years. Framed diplomas and several old magic wands were mounted on wand racks adorned the walls. A collection of dull and nicked swords testified to the fate of many foolhardy adventurers. Small bottles contained discarded homunculi (a few preserved in alcohol). There was a stuffed owl on a perch above an ornate trophy case which was imbedded into the wall. The Wizard protected his memorabilia with a powerful and fearful spell which was very difficult to break.
WORKROOM
The wizard's workroom contained many shelves and racks on the walls, but the Wizard's workbench dominated the room. It was made of dark, heavy wood bound with iron. The workbench was stained from many years of use, and was deeply gouged as though some huge clawed animal had been imprisoned on it. There were burn marks and even notes written in a crabbed hand. Many arcane items were scattered about the bench; alembics, mortar and pestle, small knives of various sizes, odd scraps of vellum, wax candles, and much more. In the center of a relatively clear area of the bench was affixed three stands - ruby, sapphire, and diamond - which formed a triangle.
WIZARD'S QUARTERS
This was where the Wizard lived. The room continously shifted it form:
sparsely furnished and almost monkish in its austerity
an opulently furnished seraglio out of some unknown culture's folktale
decorated in the style of a great king
overhung with palm-trees and lianas; the only furniture is a hammock
constructed of delicate and wispy cloud-stuffs
furnished in plastic and metal and looks like the control deck of a spaceship
a suburban bedroom complete with bunk beds
a dank and dimly lighted cave, its floor piled with furs and old bones
THE WIZARD'S WAND
The wand of the Wizard seemed to be the only source of his power in the days that his magical knowledge had faded, and even then, he seemed to have random blunders in which he was unable to properly unleash the spell he wished. These include blue smoke rising out of his sleeve, or absolutely nothing happening.
To work the wand, the wielder had to wave it at the object to be ensorcelled, then incant the spell (a safety interlock prevented the fatal feedback loop that using the wand on one's self would cause). Most effects are temporary. After each spell, the wand required to be recharged from its last use. It used during that time, it was said to short-circuit, discharging magic all over everything, turn the wielder into a toad, fill the room with a fetid smell, as well as all sorts of other grubby things, before the wand would explode.Â
The spells contained in the wand are as follows, with their effects, though not all of the spells have been researched in their entirety:
FALL The subject is throw off a flying object (such as flipping over hot-air balloons) or off a cliff ledge.
FANTASIZE The subject will see a bizarre object that is not in the room. These include a pile of jewels, a gold ingot, a bulging chest, a yellow sphere, a basilisk, a grue, or a convention of wizards.
FEAR Tremendous fear is instilled in the subject, forcing him to be afraid of the caster. This spell has no effect on demons.
FEEBLE This subject is burdened by extreme weariness, to the point that he is unable even to carry his own belongings.
FENCE An invisible cord is stretched around the subject, usually causing him to trip.
FERMENT The subject is cursed with the same effects as a heavy drunkard.
FERTILIZE The subject is turned into a pile of bat guano.
FIERCE The subject is maddened with an overwhelming ferocity to tear anything in sight limb from limb.
FIREPROOF The subject is made immune to fire, even dragon fire.
FLITCH One of the subject's objects magically disappears.
FLOAT The subject and all of his belongings rise into the air about five feet. When the spells effect wears off, the subject sinks quietly down again. This spell is known to instantly destroy Magic Robots, as their lack of a floating-point processor does not enable them to divide most fractions.
FLUORESCE An object begins to glow, becoming a light source.
FREE unknown effect
FREEZE The subject is unable to move a muscle, and feels limbs feel like he has been turned to stone
FROBIZZ unknown effect
FROBOZZLE unknown effect
FROBNOID unknown effect
FRY A massive bolt of lightning reduces the subject to a pile of smoking ashes.
FUDGE This spell turns the subject into a mountain of fudge.
FUMBLE This spell causes the subject to become clumsy and drop objects they are carrying.
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